All We Need is Love and Beer, and Old School Metal and Holiday Cheer to be Happy

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Most of the time you will wonder what it is that makes you feel related to the people your supposed to be related to. Family isn’t a word that  most people would call hostile but then again, their families would probably kick up some kind of fuss.

Get-togethers are like walking into a Gorilla pit at the zoo, where the bananas are questions about your job (or in my case lack off) and the flying faeces is just more questions, about your love life…(or in my case lack off)…

And there isn’t much you can do when you have these metaphorical bananas of profitable career paths thrown at you but just smile sweetly, explain that your are still looking desperately and wait for the flying shit to hit you in the face next. And when said gorillas are done with trying to force feed you their knowlegde of the working world and how I should perhaps change my direction of search, the metaphorical bananas are un-strategically changed from employment to love life. From bananas to flying shit in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes all you really need are a few of your good friends, some lovely wine and the hours of a free day to feel like yourself again.

Most of the time it isn’t the family you were born into that digs you out of your self induced BBC iPlayer coma, its the family that you stumbled upon during those first few years you were introduced to clubbing, shots, Jägerbombs and fancy dress. The friends you have to keep close are the ones that make your pervy comments seem like valid discussion points. These are the loyal friends that think having a full on steak sandwich after a meal at a Chinese buffet is perfectly acceptable, and jump at the chance to join you.

Now if you have chosen your second family wisely, you’ll understand that these people are the ones that may not stay so close by your side for the rest of your life, but they bloody well make the time they are in your life pretty damn marvellous. So don’t be afraid to put your legs up call some people over and have a few bottles of wine at the ready. You’ll thank me later, I promise you.

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Let’s Start a Farm

To those who have green thumbs and to those you just couldn’t give a damn (why are you reading this?) why not try growing a farm? Why not move away from growing pretty little flowers in pretty little rows and grow some freaking onions? Or even some radishes? Know what I’ve started? Chillies. The first moment you see those shoots pop up from the compost, it isn’t pride you feel, it isn’t even joy. It goes along the lines of “Oh thank God I didn’t fail at this too.”

“Thank the heavens unemployment hasn’t destroyed all my brain cells, by spending all day refreshing the front page of Reddit avoiding looking for a job and I am still able to following those little instructions that come at the back of the packet.” 

Then of course there is the joy and the feeling of self-fulfilment. Fulfilment because these little shots will be your children for the next few months, and (because you are basically alone and you are single) you will find yourself talking to these little shoots as if they are the loves of your life. You will find yourself talking to these little green children as if they are everything you ever wanted in a family. They’re quiet, they listen to your every word, they don’t start pointless arguments, they don’t steal your clothes/food/time…They even gift you with precious fruits and only ask for water and sunlight in return. 

IMG_20140407_1[1] Just so you know I am actually taking this all very seriously. These are my children…

I also have dabbled in the idea of growing my own radishes. I say my own; what I actually have come to realise is that they aren’t my own at all. Haha no, no. They belong to the slugs of the night. I merely provide those slow motion beasts with a banquet of baby leaves, fresh horse shit and beautiful soil. They must think I’m either:

Their God, their provider of food and life.

Or they must think I’m the moron who didn’t buy the slug pellets when she had a chance to save her radishes…

Then again, they are snails. Who knows what they think besides “Shit, is that salt? Did I just slide through salt? Oh no my bad, I’m not melting that’s just my DISGUSTING SLIME!”

Spring Cleaning. Is it really that time of year again?

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Spring Cleaning. What is it? Is it just societies way of getting rid of all the year’s past mistakes? Relationships that haven’t lasted as long as you hoped a month in when you thought you’d be together forever? Jobs that have just become so menial that you can think of anything better to do with your time on a springy April day than to just clean! Has our society become so forced into believing that there isn’t much hope in anything being achieved before having a good rummage around all the things you haven’t touched within the year which now you must through away? Am I rambling? Yes of course I am, because I am obviously avoiding this damn spring cleaning session I have booked in with myself today!
Do we really need to change a duvet because we have had it past six years? Do we really need to throw out that bird cage in the attic just because Percy the parrot is no more? Must we throw away the memories and treasured storylines of the Christmas TV magazines? Well frankly yes we do, and if you do still have those things lying around then you are disgusting.
A great tip for all you people out there spending this weekend (preferably not as it is mother’s day) or the next clearing out cupboards, attics, garages and apartments: donate to your local charities and shelters, don’t just make spring cleaning an excuse to over-flow the bin with things other people may find useful.
I shouldn’t be needing to say this, but I believe the best way to stay clean and tidy is to give everything a good old polish and STORE IT PROPERLY. Now I know some of you are thinking when I say store I am being hypocritical and going against my words of putting things away in the garage. Far from it, my little wonders. The best way to keep things in place all year round and not just after spring cleaning is Ikea. Yes you read that right, Ikea. And let me give you some lovely homely examples…

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These little heavenly baskets are great to fit on your desk, in your wardrobe and in your draws. They fold away when you aren’t using them, and can be filled with all kinds of loose things around the room. Currently I am using the large square sizes for my lingerie and the long rectangular ones for products I don’t use every day. I even have two of the little squares filled with products I use on a daily basis and even some make up brushes. and only £13 for a set of 7, you can not go wrong!

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Something else I stumbled across in Ikea was this handy shelf draw. Under £50 and very stylish design, if I didn’t have asymmetric walls I would have loved to have these in my bedroom. Just for putting away a few things releasing a lot more space.

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When in doubt, decorate something…or just buy a load of junk.

So I have had a lot of time on my hands lately, what with avoiding writing stories for this blog and not having a job etc. (We won’t dwell on the later as much, please).

I have been filling my time, however, with finding a lot of pretty things to make my teenager themed room into a space a mature and intelligent young woman does some very indepth thinking.

The first things I found were these adorable jars in T K Max. I just filled them with coloured glass pebbles and kind of killed two birds with one stone (poor birds) in the sense that I have now cleared away my nail paint and made the room a touch more graceful with the jars! I love them!

I’ve filled the larger one with larger glass hearts rather than pebbles but it gave a similar effect! They varied in price, the smallest being £3.99 and the largest being £5.99. There was another size up which I couldn’t get because I would have had difficulties getting it home, but maybe next time I go, I’ll pick it up!

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I also bought a vintage looking green glass jar which I also filled with pebbles and I think I’m going to find a nice artificial flower to put inside which will finish it off nicely. And I got it from the same store for just £1.99 and placed it on my windowsill.

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To keep to the glass theme I found this green glass plate or pot, and I knew that it worked well with my white room, also I knew that it would be ideal to place a few Lush bath bombs onto it so release an aroma so my room would be smelling fresh! I had this glass structure left over from an old popuri set that was lying around. and I placed it next to the green jar on the windowsill. I think it looks super sophisticated! And the added pieces of popuri make it look a touch more magical…

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I am a Mayfly

I am a Mayfly. I live for a day. My life consists of nothing but coitus. To some this kind of life would be ideal, the best that they could imagine, but I wanted to make something of myself, hit the big city, the high rollers. I had at most a couple of hours to make anything I did count, so what harm could it do to dream big?

My mother laid me and a bunch of others as a pile of eggs on the skin of a murky river and left. She abandoned us and expected the group to just fend for ourselves. But you know what, it’s cool. I’ve lived a good 75% of my adult life already and I’ve learnt to forgive her.  I’m sure she had other things to do with her twenty-four hours than just sit there and waste her one day of life waiting for us to hatch.

So, when I did eventually hatch I moulted my skin a couple of times. I was a nervous Naiad and a late bloomer, so that took a couple more months than everyone else. You see, some people get the wrong idea about us Mayflies. They think that once you’ve hatched, then that’s it, you just fly away and the next day you drop dead as soon as the sun comes up. It’s actually a lot more complicated than that. It takes a good couple of months for us to even grow wings than to lift off the ground! Its only when we grow the wings that the clock starts ticking.

So I had my awkward teenage stage. But, once I came to grips with the fact that my sole purpose in life was to find a female and make magic happen, I got another bomb shell dropped on me. Turns out I’m not at the top of any particular food chain, not even close! I found out I was at the bottom when my friend Jimmy got eaten by a fish. A fish! Not even squished by the windscreen of a speeding lorry! That’s when thought to myself “Handsome, as soon as you grow them wings, don’t waste your day hanging around any puddles,” if you know what I mean!

My main goal in life was to reproduce. Maybe I should rephrase that. A mayfly’s goal in life is to reproduce. But I wasn’t any old mayfly. I was the Mayfly, I was destined for greatness, and I could feel it in my gut! So when I finally grew those silvery beauts on my back I headed straight for the lights, straight for New York City.

Now Mayflies can’t talk, we haven’t got any mouths. Our digestive system is full of air, it’s virtually empty. So there wasn’t much to work with when it came to talking the talk. I was at a disadvantage and my life was already a few hours into the day. That’s when I met a mosquito called Sam. He saw something in me that he hadn’t seen in any other species; two penises! And since there weren’t many other Mayflies around I was unique. Sam introduced me to a couple of High end Ladybirds and told me they would take good care of me. Who was I to complain? I was taken under their wing cases, and here I am a good few hours later, in the prime of my adulthood, minted. Sure, I’m not fulfilling my life’s goal of reproducing, and yes I probably can’t show my face around back at home, but to be honest, being a play boy fly to these red spotted gals means this is turning out to be a very good day.